As one of my small groups has been discussing questions of ethics, we’ve been using articles from Wayne Grudem’s Christian Ethics as a starting point for discussion. While that book is nice and helpful and does offer a host of Scriptural support for Grudem’s points of view, one has to admit that for many of the ethical issues, he is simply writing one man’s opinion. I believe it was during our discussion of “Poverty and Wealth” that I realized how insufficient the book was for my context. So when I approached this issue of “Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage”, I knew I wanted to gather a second opinion, not because I doubted that Grudem was pulling truth from Scripture, but because I had simply read too much Wayne Grudem!

As a result I dug through my digital library and found this wonderful book by biblical counselor Jay Adams. Although the book is nearly forty years old, it’s a highly readable and well-planned book that treats the thee issues of marriage, divorce and remarriage with great biblical clarity.

He begins the book by briefly describing the essence of marriage, a God-designed institution whose main purpose is to resolve the only “not good” thing in God’s perfect creation: man’s loneliness. This essential truth that marriage is a “covenant of companionship” dispels the notion that “sex = marriage”. Because the church has inadvertently equated the two, we’ve really come to misunderstand not only marriage, but also adultery, divorce, and the possibilities of remarriage. Yes, sex should remain within the context of marriage, but sexual intercourse itself is a pleasure and part of marriage, not marriage. Sex can neither make nor break a marriage! The one-flesh relationship that I have with my wife does not refer to our sexual intimacy, but rather to our intimacy on all levels. We are one person. As Adams put it: “One body is mating. One flesh is marriage.”

He continues, then, by describing the biblical truths about divorce, a human-designed institution which God both acknowledged and regulated in His Law (Deut 24:1-4). He describes how the church should handle divorce among two groups of people: a believer married to a believer, and a believer married to an unbeliever.

In the context of this first group, a believer married to a believer, Adams describes “the exception” and makes the most poignant points of the entire book. These are chapters that EVERY church leader must read. He opens by stating that ideally, no Christian marriage should ever end in divorce. We probably already know that, but why? Adams then describes the exception to the rule, which most people call “adultery” but Jesus called “fornication.” This difference is of immense importance, because Jesus’ scope extends to incest, bestiality, homosexuality and lesbianism, as well as adultery. He doesn’t say that marriages which suffer these sexual heartbreaks must end in divorce, but that they might.

And here’s where Adams really brings clarity: he basically concludes that since no believer can sue another believer (for divorce or for anything, 1Cor 6), then marriage spats which involve sins of fornication are church matters first and foremost. Thus, church discipline is required, with a goal of repentance and restoration NOT divorce! However, if the offending spouse fails to repent to the end of the Matthew 18 process, then he is excommunicated from the church, considered an unbeliever, and is now ready for divorce. What shocks me is the logical reality of this truth from the Word: the only biblical way for two believers to divorce is if one (basically) gives up his faith! What an application of “What does it profit a man if he gains the whole world but loses his own soul?”

In the context of the second group, a believer married to an unbeliever, Adams unpacks Paul’s teaching quite plainly. The believer should never fight for a divorce, but she should also never fight against it. In our application discussions, we faced many case studies and “What if?” scenarios. Adams admits that, were he to include such discussions in his book, it would be too thick for anyone to ever want to read, and I agree. But I do believe the principles he shared for both groups are as clear as necessary and serve as an ample guide for what to do when someone in your family or church faces their own unique situation.

In the final section, Adams discusses remarriage and basically concludes that wherever God allows for divorce, He also allows for remarriage. In fact, concerning young widows, He actually commands it!

This book was a very enlightening read for me, and I highly recommend it for church leaders and laypeople alike. I trust that his section on “the exception” will help all believers everywhere to recognize the seriousness of divorce, and the serious involvement that the Church must have in the issue. If a spouse is to be kicked from the church and treated like an unbeliever before a divorce is allowed, then I believe our churches would suffer quite a a decrease in the phenomenon. Let’s pray it will be so!

©2019 E.T.

Read More from Jay Adams:

• Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage (1980)
• Temptation (2012)