Writings of Benjamin Franklin You Never Read in School

There are few books I’ve read that I’m hesitant even to review, simply because of how the title will look coming up on my Feed (I’m talking about you, Confessions of a Prairie B*tch!). Still, these books are worth reviewing, because they were worth reading. I’d feel horrible and selfish for not sharing what I’ve gained (or lost) for having read them!

This book jumped out at me, and for obviously reasons. Fart Proudly!? I already do that within the confines of my own home, yet here’s Benjamin Franklin (yes, the Benjamin Franklin!) telling me to do this every day, everywhere, every way, simply because of ‘Merica. It’s perhaps the greatest American act I can perform, in fact. I’d be a traitor for keeping it all in.

Perhaps a bit of context is important here.

I don’t know anything about editor Carl Japiske, but I like to picture him as a researcher who had to read all of Franklin’s works for some paper, and who eventually realized that this dude was the most crass, sarcastic, humorous Founding Father of them all. He likely felt, having read all of these Poor Richards pieces, that he had a duty as a researcher and as an American to revive this wit for a new generation, lest it get lost forever in the dust heaps of time.

Thank you, Mr. Japiske: you’ve done the nation a real service!

Poor Richard always wrote his Almanac articles with tongue firmly planted in cheek, and in “A Letter to a Royal Academy” written in 1781 (the first piece of many in this anthology), he writes to suggest the Academy invent a pill that would make one’s “wind” and “water” a pleasant perfume rather than offensive, an odor which might rid our nation of the shame we carry when performing normal bodily functions, and would instead allow us to fart proudly and for the betterment of society! He even goes so far as to suggest that hosts might take such pills into consideration when planning a dinner party: “The generous Soul, who now endeavors to find out whether the Friends he entertains like best Claret or Burgundy, Champagne or Madeira, would then enquire also whether they chose Musk or Lily, Rose or Bergamot, and provide accordingly” (17).

I’ve been embarrassed by some items I’ve written in the past, and I wish that the internet would swallow those articles whole. Yet I don’t think I’ve ever written anything so crassly satirical as this, and it surprises me that Franklin could get away with it all!

This book contains many more articles, poems, and pieces from Franklin that at the time must have been quite scandalous but are now merely silly, intriguing, or confusing. I have to admit that I didn’t enjoy ever piece in this anthology equally, and some were downright boring…but that’s the late 18th Century for you, right?

What I enjoyed most, in fact, was the editorial work from 1990 that seems as poignant today as ever. Japiske writes this paragraph in his Introduction, for example, on the “Freedom of the Press”:

Today, “freedom of the press” is only a nostalgic idea. It is a freedom, of course, that is still guaranteed by the Constitution. But it is a freedom in name only, because the newspapers, magazines, and broadcasting stations of our great nation have lost the courage to use this freedom. They have allowed themselves to be censored, not by the governments, but by the horrid specter of Social Conformity and Niceness. It is not nice to say “fart” in public—let alone actually let one fly. It might offend someone. (9)

Oh! What would Poor Carl (not to mention Poor Richard) say of Big Tech, Social Media, and the Cancel Culture in which we currently find ourselves?! Now it’s not the words you say in public that offend, but the thoughts you had thirty years ago! Yes, we still have Freedom of the Press—-I have a blog for crying out loud!—so I’m not a Worrying Wilma, but we’ve got to admit that things are getting crazy out there in 2021 America, right? Dr. Seuss? Mr. freaking Potato Head!? Someone get me off this train!

We need the sarcasm of a Benjamin-Franklin Voice to point out the error of our ways….and I guess I’m thinking that at the moment at least, perhaps Awaken with J.P. might be that voice?

This wasn’t necessarily supposed to get political, but we are talking about Benjamin Franklin after all, the most should-have-been-President guy in history. I don’t know. I’d have voted for him.

Japiske concludes this book with yet another editorial summation of Franklinian thinking, by quoting the great author inventor in his dream, a lengthy yet important address which I record here (at length—I’ll seek permission if I need it), because his message is that important:

“Dire? Of course it’s dire. Do you want the truth?—or do you want the comfort of falsehoods and flattery? The truth of the matter, my dear friend, is that in Modern America, you do not any longer even have the freedom to fart!”

“I beg your pardon?”

“You see what I mean? You live in a sanitized society—a society that is so afraid of offending anyone that is it no longer possible to speak freely, a society that is so determined to prevent and kind of harm that it denies all liberty to everyone.

“If one toy out of a million manufactured chances to injure a child, that toy is immediately banned from production, even though 999,999 other children have found jot in playing with it.

“If one person out of a ten million is offended by a joke or a comment made by a public official, that official is condemned and in all likelihood hounded out of public office, notwithstanding all of the sacrifices and good works he or she may have performed over the years.

“If one person out of one hundred million is disturbed by the idea of capital punishment, then heaven forbid that we shod use the gallows or the gas chamber, lest, that one individual should have indigestion, and all the rest of us should be responsible for it!

“In my day, we were not afraid to fart—or talk about it. We were not afraid to take risks, either, We did not envision a country where everyone was protected from every possible harm; quite the opposite, we envisioned a country where everyone had every possible chance to succeed. Somewhere along the way, I guess, we have lost the courage to fart.

“The Modern America cannot tolerate anything that is not squeaky clean, whether it is body odor, the smell of garbage, or language. You spend million s of dollars every year on deodorant, mouth rinses, and perfumes, so that you do not have to face the unpleasant smells of life. And if someone should happen to fart in your face, either literally or figuratively, you would run immediately for the nearest can of room deodorizer.

“This is how you handle the unpleasantries of life, as well. You mask them, so they will not offend you. But in doing so, you have given up your freedoms and liberties, and this ought to offend you. It stinks to high heaven, and I know whereof I speak, because high heaven happens to be my present home.

“My brethren and countrymen, if you cherish freedom and liberty, you are going to have to learn to fart. You are going to have to get to the point where the comforts and securities of life are no longer a sufficient exchange for your loss of freedom. Stop running the government to protect you from every possible calamity. Take on the responsibilities of human living for yourself, and tell the government to get out of your life!

“The only tool of the average citizen—and it is a tremendous tool, when wielded with determination—is to take possession of your voice and start decrying the loss of freedom in this country. Write to your representatives and tell them that you want the government to give back the freedom they have stolen from us. Write to the papers, and tell that that freedom of the press isn’t worth a nickel unless it serves the people. Speak freely to your friends and colleagues, and awaken them to the loss of freedom in this nation.

“And when you are criticized, as you will be, remind your critics that you have the right to speak your mind. And if they shout you down, as they probably ill then inform that the since they insist on being asses, you will henceforth communicate with them with the only appropriate part of your anatomy. And turning to face them from the posterior, let them know where you stand. Let every fart count as a peal of thunder for liberty. Let every fart remind the nation of how much it has let pass out of control.

“It is a small gesture, but one that can be very effective—especially in a large crowd. So fart, and if you must, fart often. But always fart without apology.

“Fart for freedom, fart for liberty—and fart proudly.” (125-128)

©2021 E.T.