The Greatest Christmas Ever by Honor Books (1995)

Posted on 2023-11-28 by thelittleman
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A Treasury of Inspirational Ideas and insights for an Unforgettable Christmas

It’s not every day that I review a decades-old stocking-stuffer Christmas book on this site—and thank God for that!

But it’s late November. The Thanksgiving holiday is done and over. The kids are back to school for a few weeks, and the temperature in my home area has plummeted already to 0° with a thin layer of snow on the ground. I guess you could say I’m in the festive mood, so ’tis the season for me to start reading some Christmas books!

I got this “gem” from a recent widow who moved out of her home and let me pick through her boxes and boxes of books. With a title like this, I thought certainly it would be worth a read—I mean, who doesn’t want a few ideas to help make this coming holiday be The Greatest Christmas Ever? Let me just say that the editors at Honor Books are guilty of some serious overselling.

Clearly, I shouldn’t have expected much from a gift-book like this, which my friend probably got from the Clearance bin at Walgreens back in ’95. It’s a mixture of old poetry, the occasional Bible verse, recipes from dead Presidents (for whatever reason) and, yes, some ideas about Christmas. The ideas mostly center not on activities but on either how to decorate a Christmas tree or what to buy/not buy for particular people in your life.

It’s that final series of topics that make this book laughably cringe-worthy. I own another stocking-stuffer book titled The Worst Album Covers, and this book reminds me so much of that one. The only problem is, it’s completely unintentional.

My absolute favorite list in the book is “Things Never to Give Your Wife for Christmas” which goes a little something like this:

1) A frying pan, blender, or vacuum cleaner.
2) A scale—either for weighing food or her body.
3) Perfume you say you liked when you smelled it on another woman.
4) A copy of the favorite recipe your mother always made you.
5) House shoes like your mother wears.
6) A nightgown one size too small, cut to fit Twiggy, made of polyester, with sleeves that are so tight at the wrists they could pass for tourniquets.

Even as I write the quote, I can’t help but laugh at the grudge-holding editor who got to air her detailed, long-held grievances against her husband in this stupid little book. “Buy this stocking-stuffer! Give it away! Have the greatest Christmas ever! Remember the Reason for the season! And while you’re at it, know that my husband’s a giant tool and I don’t know how to forgive!” Classy.

This horrible book rips its quotations from The Sword of the Lord, Billy Graham, and some other collection of Christmas snippets published in 1982. It’s a sad attempt at being cutesy like Reader’s Digest, but it’s clearly written for a very specific audience: my guess is ladies in their 60s who do nothing but puzzles and watch Christian romance movies about horses and the Amish.

The only good idea I got from this book is the possibility of giving teenagers privileges for Christmas instead of presents. I can’t agree with the details they suggest, but I at least like the idea.

So there it is! With this singular idea, I’m now ready to have The Greatest Christmas Ever. Even better (apparently) than that first one in Bethlehem. Heaven help us.

©2023 E.T.

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