Now there’s a standout title for you, 666. I picked up this book from my church library, and I figured it would be an interesting book of fiction to try out in my leisure time. I’ve enjoyed the Left Behind series before, so perhaps this version from 1970 would be similar?

From the start, I was admittedly intrigued. Author Salem Kirban opens with these few unique sections before diving into the story: “Why I wrote this book,” “In Explanation,” a host of Xeroxed news articles from the 1960s, and “An Explanation of Terms Used in This Book.”

Since he’s writing about supposed events following the Rapture of Christ’s Church, the reader should know that he obviously comes from a pre-Tribulation, pre-Millennial eschatology. If you’re not of that stripe, you probably wouldn’t even consider reading it. If you are of that stripe and you’ve considered reading it, let me tell you: you probably won’t consider finishing it.

It’s an intriguing idea, the Rapture. Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins sold untold millions of copies of their Left Behind series by asking “What might happen after the Rapture?” Another great and original handling of this topic is In the Twinkling of an Eye by Sidney Watson (1921).

You’d think with such an obvious “winning” plot, any author could succeed with a modicum of talent. Kirban proves this isn’t so. For whatever talent he might have had in speaking or whatever, his writing is beyond deplorable. Despite its potential, this book is laughably atrocious. It’s so bad that I honestly can’t believe I even finished it. In fact, I wonder if someone out there in the internet-ether gives medals for this sort of thing.

The story follows George Omega, a news reporter who witnesses the Rapture from his seat aboard an airplane (interestingly enough, it’s the exact scenario Left Behind uses as an opening). This great event unfolds more literally than even most Baptists would expect, when someone shouts from the plane that the sky “IS OPENING UP…PEELING BACK LIKE A SCROLL!” The all-caps are in the book too.

Upon landing, George gets called to Washington by Brother Bartholomew, the newly elected President of the United States and leader of the World Church. He wants George for his inner circle, and he won’t take “No” for an answer. George acquiesces, but it’s hard to gauge just where he stands in the relationship. After all, George’s wife and son had been Christians and had disappeared—and they had long been warning him of Jesus’ imminent Rapture of the Church. “This must have been it!” he muses. “If they were right, then couldn’t Brother Bartholomew be the anticipated Antichrist? Or is it just a coincidence that the tail number on his private jet is ‘666’?”

George’s daughter, Faye, has been feeling the same vibes as George midst all the chaos. She’s married, and the couple has recognized that their tiny apartment may be bugged. Brother Bartholomew—despite his prominence as literally the Leader of the World—still apparently listens in on this random couple through a microphone system he’s hidden in a plaque on their wall that says, “Prayer Changes Things.” George Orwell’s Big Brother from 1984 has made a surprise cameo!

The tenuous plot which has, up to this point, at least offered the faint possibility of miraculously improving somehow in the next chapter, completely falls apart from here. The book finally became almost too hard for me to follow. At one point, George and his extended family have believed in Jesus but have not yet become Christ followers (?). They’ve defied Brother Bartholomew, yet still George somehow gains audience with Antichrist from time to time. At one point (for like 2 paragraphs), they escape to Vietnam in order to hide in the caves beneath a river, and they exist this way apparently for months on end. Kirban even includes a diagram of how the caves work. But then one day, they are suddenly discovered by none other than Brother Bartholomew himself who stands over their hideout chortling. He then orders that George and his family face public executions, beheadings by guillotine.

I lost all semblance of timing in the story by this point, yet I continued on. Armageddon was coming. The streets really were filling up with blood. The End truly was drawing nigh!

Spoiler: Jesus comes riding in on a white horse and destroys everyone, and that’s about it.

This book felt so much like “first time writer supplies material for a Book Club with one member” rather than “accomplished author gets validated by a team of editors.” It felt like Self-publishing at its absolute worst, and I don’t care that the cover screams “over 1/2 million sold!” It doesn’t matter how many books you sell, if no one can stomach enough to finish the dumb thing!

Although I pulled this book from my church’s library, after having read it, I have no intention of returning it to the shelves. Some poor soul might get drawn in by the title and get ruined to good fiction for the rest of his life. I can’t let that happen.

Don’t read this book. Read the Bible instead. Read the Left Behind series next, if your itch for eschatology hasn’t been scratched enough. Leave this book to the trash-heap of history.

In my perusal of the church library, I also noted that there’s a Part 2 to this book titled 1000, which terrifies me a little bit. Am I going to be dragged into that book too, just to see how George Omega fairs in the end? I sure hope not. I hope never to hear that silly name again.

Still……hey, wait. Is that the theme song to Mystery Science Theatre 3000 I suddenly hear?

©2021 E.T.